Toddler See, Toddler Do

As a parent, I think one of the most rewarding things we see is our children learning.  From the moment they smile back at you for the first time to their graduation day, nothing quite fills your heart with as much pride.

Then again, one of the scariest things as a parent is the thought that your bad habits will be picked up by your kids.  You hope that they can be the best of you and hope the worst passes them by.

Lately, I've been struggling with stress.  Actually more than lately- since Norah has entered our family.  Nothing exhausts you like having a newborn that won't stop crying, a toddler who wants your attention, and a new puppy to train (who's idea was the puppy again? Oh right...me.)  Slowly the stress has been eating at me bit by bit and in the last two weeks it's bubbled over.

I've been this angry woman that I don't recognize.  I want to sleep all the time.  I just want to leave the apartment and I sometimes just scream because I can't hold it anymore.

The other day I got so frustrated with the girls crying and the dog nipping at my feet that I slapped the couch a few times and then cried out.  To my utter dismay, It scared Evelyn.  If you have never scared your child, I hope you never do.  It was completely heartbreaking.  I gathered her up and told her everything was going to be okay.

She bounced back within a minute, like toddlers do, and then proceeded to mimic me and copy my little outburst.  I laughed to break the tension and we went on with our day.

That night I put on some yoga and relieved some of the stress and anger that has been building inside me.  It's been a few days and haven't been angry or frustrated.  If you find something that relieves your stress, I highly suggest you do it before you burst.

The last few days this has been weighing on me, and I've been wondering what other bad habits my daughter is going to copy.  That is until I saw her with her little baby doll and stuffed animals and she was rocking them in her arms and "shh shh shh-ing" them and then she planted five kisses on their heads like I do with Norah when she is upset.

I can't tell you what it did to my heart- realizing that she did see the good things I do and not only the bad.

However, I strongly advise you watch what you do around children because they are sponges.  They truly pick things up so fast and you don't want to realize your bad habits when your child is doing it.

Depression Waves

To practice my writing, I asked friends to give me topics to write about.  Here is the first.  It's about a teen girl struggling with depression after being abused.  Enjoy.

I am floating on the dark indigo waves of a crashing ocean.  My body is being carried along by the tumultuous sea; up and down and spinning through waves.  At times I feel as if I’m being lulled to sleep by its soothing rocking cadence.  At others I feel like I can’t catch my breath between crests crashing on my chest-forcing the breaths to come out in shallow gasps.  I try to grab anything near me- even if it the passing shark that’s been circling me for hours just waiting for me to stop fighting and give in.  Outside the ring the shark has claimed around me I hear my mom calling for me.  I hear my best friend, Olivia too.  They are all telling me that I’m just in a pool, not an ocean.  They are telling me that all I have to do is stand up and clime out into the sunshine and warmth.

But when I open my eyes to look for them, all I see are the thousands of stars in the sky before the next wave blacks them out and crashes onto me.  When I get pulled under the water I start to remember the man who threw me out to see.  I see him in his beautiful boat full of shining treasures and promises.  I see him as he was to me those long years ago as he tempted me out into the sea.  As I try to make my way to him he changes into the blood thirsty pirate that ripped me open and stole my happiness to add to his riches.  He put my soul in the trophy case next to others that he stole from innocent girls like me.  It’s glowing in all its glory and I just want to crawl back on that ship to grab it back but I can’t escape this drowning feeling.  It’s tugging at my clothes and fighting me one day, and lulling me into senseless slumber the next.   Then it washes the cold remembrance through my heart when I least expect it. 

My mom and Olivia throw life preservers in to me but they just drift by me.  I can almost never grab one and when I do, I can’t hold on for long.  I’m being pulled under the water again when I see a light in the distance.  It’s gradually closing in on me and suddenly I’m waking from the storm surrounding me as the anchor woman on my television tells me about a local college frat boy being charged with rape by a fifteen year old girl.  I’m not fifteen anymore and he wasn’t in college when he attacked me, but I know it’s him.  Olivia and I always thought he was cute and she thought I was crazy when I told her I didn’t like him anymore.  She especially thought I was crazy because he had actually noticed me at the party we went to.  How he brought me a drink and introduced me to his friends.  She looked at me like I had lost my mind and no matter how many times she asked me why, I never told her.  Who would believe me?

Well there he was, on the TV, and there was she, Jocelyn.  She, at fifteen, was doing what I never did.  She was telling the world how this man violated her and ripped her apart, just like he did me.  As she’s crying, I see a strength shine in her eyes-glistening behind the hurt and anguish.  Its saying, ”I will fight and I will win.”

I can breathe again.  I don’t know when it happened but I’m not struggling for breath like I have been for the last year.  I look at my hands and they are coming back to life.  The numbness from the cold ocean of grief is receding.  I climb off my mattress and switch off the TV and head to the shower.  I can’t quite remember the last time my mom hasn’t had to force me to take one.  I hear her gasp as she sees the towel slung over my arm. 

I can’t recognize the girl staring back at me in the mirror.  She’s pale with sunken cheeks.  Her brown hair is in knots around her face and her eyes are tired; but in those eyes I see a resilience that I hadn’t seen since before my attack.  I have a purpose again.

After I’ve scrubbed my body pink from head to toe, and tackled the rats’ nest my hair had become, I finally find some clothes that fit me.  I pick up my bag and head to the door.  I jump in my car and drive to the police station and start to tell the first person-a kind looking, librarian-type woman what happened to me that night at the party.  I start slowly and awkwardly but as I’m speaking I feel a wave of relief and cathartic release wash over me and soon I can’t get the words out fast enough. 

I am finally climbing that boat of lies and hurt and stealing back my soul from that thief.  I am saving myself from the sea of turmoil that my life has become.  Thank you Jocelyn.  Thank you for the light.

The Stay At Home Mom

On a good day, I might clean the apartment before you get home.
Give both the girls a bath- but you know it's the first one I've given them in days, maybe even a week.
We both know I only did it because the toddler is covered in milk and the newborn is starting to smell from all three of our combined body sweat.
I might have made dinner but you can bet your ass I didn't clean up the mess in the kitchen.
I'll wait a few days, decide it's too much for me to handle and then I'll ask you to clean it for me.
It will then take another day or two to actually get it done because we have so many dirty dishes we've begun to use the larger than our mouth spoons and tupperware as bowls for the mass amounts of cereal we consume.
I might have taught the dog to "come," but you will mostly likely step in pee spots when you get home from work.

I say these things because as a stay at home mom, you might wonder why I'm in the same recliner I was in when you left.
You might wonder why I ask you to clean or to hold the baby or rock her to sleep.

It's because saying the word "Water," fifteen times to a toddler who pronounces it "Mahnee," isn't difficult, but because it wears on me.
It's because I'm the one holding an infant for 21 hours a day-because she refuses to be put down for more than a few hours between 1:00 AM and 4:00 AM.
Who has to rock both the infant and toddler simultaneously.
Who has to try to kick the highchair away from the surprisingly acrobatic Pomeranian who insists on eating the toddler's food before she can finish.
Who has to keep finding higher shelves and hooks to put pens and purses and pretty things so they don't end up on the wall, strewn through the hallway or broken.
None of this is hard, but it is exhausting.

I hate when you get home and you can't see the effort I've put in to raising our girls.
I feel like a disappointment when I have to ask you for a break after you've worked an eight hour shift in the customer service industry.
I want you to have time to relax but I also haven't peed in a few hours and my bladder's about to burst.
I take advantage of the respite and instead of getting some alone time-which seems like a self indulgence I can't afford- I try to bring our apartment into some semblance of order to prove to you that I don't sit around and do nothing all day and that you can be proud of me.
And I do it all in spite of the knowledge that within thirty minutes of the toddler waking- all that work will be for naught.
I do it because even though kids are exhausting, I love them and I'm grateful daily I get to see them as much as I do.  And I'm grateful you make it happen.
But please don't forget me in the trenches, because down here, we are covered in drool and playdoh and just maybe we need a potty break to check our facebook in peace.

XXOO
-C

To You Two,

To you two,


I love you both terribly and your happiness rubs off on me every time I hear from you, but when I get put in the middle of the annoyance and rage, things can get a little awkward.

Instead of saying what I'm thinking, I just nod occasionally or give the noncommittal "ya," when you look to me for confirmation of your thoughts.

For me, who is too afraid to tell you how it is, for fear of retribution and residual anger headed my way, this is easiest way for me to communicate to you.

So please read with an open mind and listen to what I have to say.  Hopefully you both know who I'm talking to and that I love you both with my entire heart.  

To the one,
You were cranky and obviously had a headache.  In retrospect it wasn't the best time to be headed out to do errands, but we packed up anyway and headed out.

That the other one was walking off with the buggy wasn't that big of a deal-we could have gotten another cart or a basket (though I didn't think of this at the time).  With your headache, however, this was a huge annoyance especially when we had to hunt down the other one to put two vegetables in the cart multiple times because we couldn't make up our minds.

Regardless of the annoyance there shouldn't have been the snide comments headed toward the other one.  It was meant to be a fun trip and it quickly became laborious.  You knew it wasn't the other one that was angering you-it was the pain in your head.

Continued calls out to the other one built up the annoyance until it was visible to all who could see.

The other one soon left to avoid the negative comments thrown their way, to which you responded with something to do with divorce.

To hear this was shocking and completely unexpected.  Especially for such a little argument.  I wanted to tell you that you shouldn't joke about those things to people.  Divorce should only be mentioned in a serious connotation- but the thing is, I didn't know if you were being serious or not.

After I checked to see if the other one truly left or just went to the car, you texted "We're walking home."  In reality we could have easily just waited.  It's not a long drive and the other one would be there shortly.  Again, however, I was just going along with it to stay out of the fight.

You shouldn't have texted that.  It was unnecessary and didn't help the situation at all.  It was said to make the other one feel shitty about their action.

The other one showed up right as we were about to head across the street to walk back.  In the car you asked, "Are there  handles back there?" after going around corner.  We all know you worded it as a question to nag about the other one's driving.  It was obvious and I didn't enjoy being put in the middle of the situation like that, AT ALL.  Talking to me in private is one thing, asking me to answer a question to put down the other one like that was completely unacceptable.

Overall you are a strong person.  For a long time you were weak and you didn't like it.  From my point of view, I see where you're coming from, but I also see a problem.  In wanting to be strong you can come off controlling and relentless.  You no longer compromise (like when we made coleslaw and the other one didn't want salt but you insisted-I came up with the compromise that we could add salt if we wanted it on our plates, but even that was unacceptable- it had to be your way.)

You must realize that any successful relationship, whether with a spouse or friend, you need compromise.  It is not showing weakness to give to another or to meet in the middle.  It actually shows more strength than always fighting for your choice.

To the other one,
You were so ready to bring Evelyn to the store.  What is more fun than taking my sweet girl around the store?  (Not much, I'll tell you that.)

On the drive over, we talked about the one's headache.  You knew it was there.  You know it makes the one grumpier than usual.  I mean, who doesn't get grumpy with a headache.  Again, in retrospect we should have avoided the store tonight.

Right after you got Evelyn in the buggy, you were gone.  I tried to get your attention with chocolate covered cashews (that were half off!) right inside the door, but even that couldn't distract from carting around E.

Again and again we had to ask you to stay with us because we needed a lot of produce but the temptation to run off with a baby was too great- and I understand- she is so tempting especially in that happy mood she was in.  Nothing made her upset.

We eventually had to take the cart from you-again we could have gotten another cart but we didn't think of that at the time-as you know.  There goes all the fun with E- sad day.

After that there were arguments over the foods to get and the quality of the produce.  Both parties were irritated at this. Really we should have blamed the store-it was crappy pickings but instead we blamed each other.

After some blowout over some weird little lettuce not being green enough and the refusal to get another type,  you chose to leave the store and told me to call when we were done.  You were gone before I could form a reply.

We tried to call you-I guess you didn't have a phone on you- to say that this food sucks and we'd rather go somewhere else, but it was too late and you were gone.

After seeing the text from the one you rushed back to find us almost crossing the street.  You didn't realize that you left us with no form of payment and the one had to go back in to get what we had prepared and had to get.

Waiting at the car you vented your frustrations about how the one "isn't nice," and how you're done.  Both of you mentioned divorce this night and it was something I wasn't prepared to hear.

From my point of view I think you struggle with some of the life choices the one makes.  The one is always out and about and on the phone.  The one is very busy.  It is hard to accept that when all you want to do is be with them.

We all know that your temper can run a little hot though.  If you don't open up and you let those annoyances build, you are guaranteed to blow, and when you blow, you blow big.  It's mean and nasty and not fun to be around at all.


Advice from someone married only 2 years,
One of the hardest things I've learned to do with Spencer is to communicate openly and honestly.  I tell him everything negative I'm feeling right around the moment it happens because I know myself and I know human nature.

If we don't get this nasty shit off our chests it festers and becomes uglier and uglier until one time it shoots out of your mouth like word vomit and attacks the person with extreme precision, trying to hurt them as much as you possibly can.

Blah...blah...blah.. "Communication is key."  We've heard that a million times.

Communicating your true feelings is what I'm talking about.  The feelings that you can barely admit having to yourself, let alone another human being.  The thoughts that usually are said by your subconscious that never see the light of day.  These are the things that build up.  It isn't healthy.  And when it builds you lose your happiness and it makes it harder for the couple to survive.

First you have to be honest with yourself, then you have to be honest with your spouse.

I'm not sure how long you both have been bottling these things in, but it can't be good for you.  If I hold it in through one fight, I want to explode and rampage.  I can't imagine doing it for longer.

Write it out- talk about it- let it go.
If you love each other, make it work.  Talk about it between yourselves and don't drag others into it.  It makes it hard and it they will never love that person as much as you.

If you realize that there isn't love between you anymore, and you truly are done with each other I advise you to make peace with each other.  Don't let hate into your lives.  Part on good terms and move on.  You are both young and can find love again, but the rest of your family and friends still love you both.

Personally, I hope you can make it work.  I don't want to see you hate each other.  But if being apart helps you to move on and to be happy, I will support you all the way.

I love you both so incredibly much.  
Good luck and much love,
Claire
xxoo

Dearest Norah

8/22/15

Dearest Norah,

In 1 day, 2 hours, and 33 minutes I will be 32 weeks pregnant with your beautiful self and I could not be more excited to meet you.

Many may not know this, but after your sister was born, we didn't know if we were going to be able to have more kids.  Actually a week before we found out I was pregnant with you, the doctor told us that I might have ovarian cysts or premature ovarian failure.

You may not know what those are, but they can possibly make it where mommy wouldn't be able to have babies.  The doctors told me to take birth control pills to see if that would help and so in a last ditch effort, at 6 am in the morning, mommy took a pregnancy test just to make sure.

The joy and relief I felt when I saw those two pink lines surpassed all the grief and depression I had felt knowing that I wouldn't have more kids lifted and I ran to your daddy and jumped on the bed, scaring him awake and showed him a stick with my pee on it.

I think it took him a while to get out of dream land, but when he realized what I said, he just held me.

Right now, daddy is a little scared to meet you because he is doing a lot for our family right now and he wants to do right by us, but don't worry, she is just as excited as I am.

Evelyn was our Angel Baby-rushing to greet us.  You, my sweet girl, are our Miracle Baby-the one we thought we'd never meet.

You take your time, and you get strong because we can't wait to hold you in our arms and cuddle you through the night.

(Maybe try your hardest not to come on Uncle Skyler's and Aunt Cadrina's wedding day, so you can have all the attention to yourself.)

We love you so much sweet girl.

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and Evelyn
xxoo

Baby Ground Rules

Today our little family finally went to the hospital to register to give birth (basically you give the hospital your information so when the baby is trying to push it's way out of your junk you don't have to fill out paperwork.)

As we were enjoying the surprisingly yummy cafeteria food we decided to hash out the Do's and Don'ts of baby visiting.

We are targeting anyone who wishes to visit those first, let's say 2-4 weeks postbirth.  This includes family and friends and most definitely acquaintances or nonfriends.  Actually nonfriends can just stay away!  Though I can't think of any names off the top of my head.  (That's a good sign, eh?)

http://www.solomatters.com/summary_of_major_rules_changes_for_2015

Let's Begin....



1.  Unless you've contacted us via call, text, facebook message, letter, etc AND received a response, you should stop and do so before visiting.  Common courtesy people!

2.  If I give birth at night- no visitors until the next morning.  We will all be tired and yucky and I know you want to see Norah but seriously it's not happening.
     If I give birth in the day- Spencer or I (most likely Spencer) will text you (family) when we are ready for visitors.  It will probably be 1-2 hours post birth.  Again, be patient.  Last time I had some minor issues and those will need to be situated before I want visitors barging in.

3.  The hospital rooms are nice but I don't want everyone and their mother in the room at once.  So unless we have told you specifically we would like you to visit the hospital to see us, please don't.  This will most likely be only family and extremely close friends.

4.  At our apartment we will set up visiting hours.  (yes I'm serious.)  Right now I'm thinking 3-5 pm on any given day.  You might get to stay longer if you bring food or do some chores.  Yes this is bribery and I'm okay with that. :)

5.  Please be happy and upbeat if you visit.  We will be stressed enough as it is and we need the positive jujus headed our way.



Well so far, that is it.  If you have issues with these please talk to us.  This is an exciting time but also a scary and busy time for Spencer and I.
We love you and we can't wait to meet Miss Norah.

PS We've started a baby registry.  I believe there will be a shower- just not sure of the details yet!  If you want to see what we have so far, go to the link below!  We will be adding more later.  Just search "Claire Nelson" in the serach bar at the top of the page.  The password is norahrose.

http://www.myregistry.com/baby-registry/Claire-Nelson-Spencer-Nelson-Vancouver-WA/924062?

Much Love,
Nelson Family
xxoo

Ravings of a Pregnant Woman

Meet Norah Rose Nelson <3

Pregnancy.  The start of a new life.  An absolutely beautiful thing.  Where you can feel the beautiful baby stirring within you.  Don't get me wrong it's glorious.  I love it, but it is also frustrating,

Even if you omit the constant nausea that accompanies the first trimester and the breasts that feel like they're going to explode every time your daughter or your cat decides to walk or crawl directly over them.  Sometimes it's like being trapped in a monstrous B****'s body.


Prior to pregnancy you were sweet and patient and calm and ready for anything but something about the potion of hormones coursing through your bloodstream make you into a person you aren't.


The husband you so lovingly created another life with- who you love beyond anything- is suddenly a man who can't get anything done.

I mean how dare he sleep in?  How dare he hang out with his brother while fixing the suburban you demanded he fix prior to baby's birth?  How dare he empty the litter box a day later than you asked?
Pretty much how can he do anything?

See-even writing this I'm again confronted with how ridiculous I sound.  Even when I'm "in the moment" and feeling so grumpy I know I'm not myself.  I know I'm overreacting but it just doesn't stop.  It just flows out in continuous word and emotion  vomit.  

This morning I've been in one of those funks.  I've barely spoken 20 words to my husband because for some godforsaken reason I'm upset at him again and yet all I want to do is to snuggle him all day.
So there you have it.  The pregnant woman is a walking contradiction and is fully conscious of the fact.  So before you get completely frustrated with me..with us.. remember that we are not only creating a new life(lives) but we are also brewing some strange concoctions of emotions and hormones and that maybe we need a little bit of your patience and love because we see who we are being and we don't like it.

Much love,
Claire 
xxoo