To You Two,

To you two,


I love you both terribly and your happiness rubs off on me every time I hear from you, but when I get put in the middle of the annoyance and rage, things can get a little awkward.

Instead of saying what I'm thinking, I just nod occasionally or give the noncommittal "ya," when you look to me for confirmation of your thoughts.

For me, who is too afraid to tell you how it is, for fear of retribution and residual anger headed my way, this is easiest way for me to communicate to you.

So please read with an open mind and listen to what I have to say.  Hopefully you both know who I'm talking to and that I love you both with my entire heart.  

To the one,
You were cranky and obviously had a headache.  In retrospect it wasn't the best time to be headed out to do errands, but we packed up anyway and headed out.

That the other one was walking off with the buggy wasn't that big of a deal-we could have gotten another cart or a basket (though I didn't think of this at the time).  With your headache, however, this was a huge annoyance especially when we had to hunt down the other one to put two vegetables in the cart multiple times because we couldn't make up our minds.

Regardless of the annoyance there shouldn't have been the snide comments headed toward the other one.  It was meant to be a fun trip and it quickly became laborious.  You knew it wasn't the other one that was angering you-it was the pain in your head.

Continued calls out to the other one built up the annoyance until it was visible to all who could see.

The other one soon left to avoid the negative comments thrown their way, to which you responded with something to do with divorce.

To hear this was shocking and completely unexpected.  Especially for such a little argument.  I wanted to tell you that you shouldn't joke about those things to people.  Divorce should only be mentioned in a serious connotation- but the thing is, I didn't know if you were being serious or not.

After I checked to see if the other one truly left or just went to the car, you texted "We're walking home."  In reality we could have easily just waited.  It's not a long drive and the other one would be there shortly.  Again, however, I was just going along with it to stay out of the fight.

You shouldn't have texted that.  It was unnecessary and didn't help the situation at all.  It was said to make the other one feel shitty about their action.

The other one showed up right as we were about to head across the street to walk back.  In the car you asked, "Are there  handles back there?" after going around corner.  We all know you worded it as a question to nag about the other one's driving.  It was obvious and I didn't enjoy being put in the middle of the situation like that, AT ALL.  Talking to me in private is one thing, asking me to answer a question to put down the other one like that was completely unacceptable.

Overall you are a strong person.  For a long time you were weak and you didn't like it.  From my point of view, I see where you're coming from, but I also see a problem.  In wanting to be strong you can come off controlling and relentless.  You no longer compromise (like when we made coleslaw and the other one didn't want salt but you insisted-I came up with the compromise that we could add salt if we wanted it on our plates, but even that was unacceptable- it had to be your way.)

You must realize that any successful relationship, whether with a spouse or friend, you need compromise.  It is not showing weakness to give to another or to meet in the middle.  It actually shows more strength than always fighting for your choice.

To the other one,
You were so ready to bring Evelyn to the store.  What is more fun than taking my sweet girl around the store?  (Not much, I'll tell you that.)

On the drive over, we talked about the one's headache.  You knew it was there.  You know it makes the one grumpier than usual.  I mean, who doesn't get grumpy with a headache.  Again, in retrospect we should have avoided the store tonight.

Right after you got Evelyn in the buggy, you were gone.  I tried to get your attention with chocolate covered cashews (that were half off!) right inside the door, but even that couldn't distract from carting around E.

Again and again we had to ask you to stay with us because we needed a lot of produce but the temptation to run off with a baby was too great- and I understand- she is so tempting especially in that happy mood she was in.  Nothing made her upset.

We eventually had to take the cart from you-again we could have gotten another cart but we didn't think of that at the time-as you know.  There goes all the fun with E- sad day.

After that there were arguments over the foods to get and the quality of the produce.  Both parties were irritated at this. Really we should have blamed the store-it was crappy pickings but instead we blamed each other.

After some blowout over some weird little lettuce not being green enough and the refusal to get another type,  you chose to leave the store and told me to call when we were done.  You were gone before I could form a reply.

We tried to call you-I guess you didn't have a phone on you- to say that this food sucks and we'd rather go somewhere else, but it was too late and you were gone.

After seeing the text from the one you rushed back to find us almost crossing the street.  You didn't realize that you left us with no form of payment and the one had to go back in to get what we had prepared and had to get.

Waiting at the car you vented your frustrations about how the one "isn't nice," and how you're done.  Both of you mentioned divorce this night and it was something I wasn't prepared to hear.

From my point of view I think you struggle with some of the life choices the one makes.  The one is always out and about and on the phone.  The one is very busy.  It is hard to accept that when all you want to do is be with them.

We all know that your temper can run a little hot though.  If you don't open up and you let those annoyances build, you are guaranteed to blow, and when you blow, you blow big.  It's mean and nasty and not fun to be around at all.


Advice from someone married only 2 years,
One of the hardest things I've learned to do with Spencer is to communicate openly and honestly.  I tell him everything negative I'm feeling right around the moment it happens because I know myself and I know human nature.

If we don't get this nasty shit off our chests it festers and becomes uglier and uglier until one time it shoots out of your mouth like word vomit and attacks the person with extreme precision, trying to hurt them as much as you possibly can.

Blah...blah...blah.. "Communication is key."  We've heard that a million times.

Communicating your true feelings is what I'm talking about.  The feelings that you can barely admit having to yourself, let alone another human being.  The thoughts that usually are said by your subconscious that never see the light of day.  These are the things that build up.  It isn't healthy.  And when it builds you lose your happiness and it makes it harder for the couple to survive.

First you have to be honest with yourself, then you have to be honest with your spouse.

I'm not sure how long you both have been bottling these things in, but it can't be good for you.  If I hold it in through one fight, I want to explode and rampage.  I can't imagine doing it for longer.

Write it out- talk about it- let it go.
If you love each other, make it work.  Talk about it between yourselves and don't drag others into it.  It makes it hard and it they will never love that person as much as you.

If you realize that there isn't love between you anymore, and you truly are done with each other I advise you to make peace with each other.  Don't let hate into your lives.  Part on good terms and move on.  You are both young and can find love again, but the rest of your family and friends still love you both.

Personally, I hope you can make it work.  I don't want to see you hate each other.  But if being apart helps you to move on and to be happy, I will support you all the way.

I love you both so incredibly much.  
Good luck and much love,
Claire
xxoo